Christmas is the perfect time for sitting back with friends and family and watching some inoffensive entertainment. Everyone loves Christmas films, but wouldn’t it be much better if, instead of passively watching them, you could get involved? Probably not, no, but here are five films that we think deserve a videogame remake.
The Santa Clause – A Paperboy Clone
You play the fat, misanthropic Tim Allen, swooping through the streets of the world, using your newly acquired Santa powers to throw presents down chimneys. An item management system starts each level, then it’s off on your sleigh to save Christmas, or some such nonsense. Mini-games would include eating mince pies, ignoring your child, and watching your career collapse in on itself in a swirl of sequels.
It’s A Wonderful Life – A Bank Sim
Rather than focusing on the soppy message about family, love and all that gibberish, the game will focus on everyone’s favourite part of the film – running a bank. It’s your job to stop Bailey Building and Loans from getting too deep into trouble, thus ensuring that cheery dimwit George only ever circles around misery like the rest of us, rather than full on plunging into despair, before realising that life isn’t actually that bad thanks to his guardian angel. Remember, every time you make a thousand dollars, you’re stopping an angel from getting his wings.
Bad Santa – A GTA Clone
This one pretty much writes itself. The film already contains sex, violence, swearing, misogyny, dwarves and lots of crime. There’s even a redemptive central theme, sort of. It only needs a few frustrating car chase sequences, a fight with a helicopter, and Billy Bob Thornton to put on a generic foreign accent, and it’s basically GTA IV anyway. Expect the Daily Mail to go batshit over the scene where you beat up a bunch of kids.
Gremlins – A Lightgun Game
There just aren’t enough lightgun games around at the moment. Not proper ones anyway. This one will take the central theme of Gremlins – that children shouldn’t be allowed to have pets because they’re irresponsible – and turn it into a fun, family orientated slaughter-thon. You’ll lose points for shooting Gizmo, but all the other critters are fair game. You’ll be able to unlock extra skins, including Judge Reinhold, Corey Feldman and Michael Winslow. Topical, I think you’ll agree.
Scrooged – An FPS
Rather than going on about how Bill Murray’s character is headed for misery and loneliness, this game will focus on his deteriorating mental condition. Instead of being redeemed by the visitation of three ghosts, here, Murray will go on an insane, expensive whisky fuelled rampage through the streets, spraying bullets around and making gurning, barely discernible one liners. Think of it as a cross between Dickens’ much loved Christmas tale, and a Uwe Boll produced Duke Nukem Forever movie. Except crasser. The last boss will be Bill fighting against his own demons, using a Yule-zooka and bauble grenades. Heart warming stuff.